


You're The Shore (When I Am Lost At Sea)

by RageHappyAH



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Bad Dreams, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, F/M, Fatherly Geoff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jealousy, M/M, Mavin, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mentions of Danvin, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Protective Michael, Schizophrenia, Schizophrenic!gavin, Temporaryily Mute, Trigger Warnings, Unrequited Danvin, daddy geoff, emotional breakdowns, insecure, mental blockage, one-sided Dan/Gavin, past danvin, selfharm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-21
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-02-09 18:58:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1994178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RageHappyAH/pseuds/RageHappyAH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The last thing Gavin expected was a relapse after being free from his disorder for almost seven years. He thought he had gotten rid of them, that they were a thing of the past. But the voices were back, the hallucinations were happening again, and his sanity was slipping away all over again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Relapse

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** Alriiiight. I finally started writing again! Yay! :D   
>  I’ve wanted to write this for a while, so hopefully I don’t lose my motivation before I finish it. (/-\\)  
> Also, I would just like to point out that _I do not romantisize mental illnesses, disorders, selfharm, or anything of the sort._ This is not ‘romantisizing’ a serious issue. It’s taking disorders and situations and applying them to fictional events and creating a story out of them in order to make an inspirational, hope-giving, and relatable story for the readers.  
>  That is all. Enjoy!  
> 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning.

  
It happened during a Let’s play.

They were almost done recording a new Minecraft video when it happened.   
The thing Gavin feared most, the thing he hated most about himself — it came back.

It started out with a shadow. He told himself it was nothing, just a trick of the light. He continued on with his game.

Then it was a sound. A low scratching noise that made the hair on the back of his neck stand up.

And then, after finishing up the Let’s Play, he realized what was happening. His worst nightmare had come true. He figured it out when he had turned to ask Michael something, and saw a terrifying, demonic, screech-inducing face.   
He screamed, toppled over his chair, blinking rapidly to will the illusion away.  
After a second it had dissapeared, replaced by a startled, confused, and overall worried face that belonged to Michael. Everyone in the room was staring at Gavin as he clutched the fabric over his heart, taking deep breathes from his position on the floor.

"What the fuck…? Are you fuckin’ okay, Gavin?" Michael said slowely, filling the tense silence.

Gavin gulped, standing up shakily and nodded. He refused to make eye contact with anyone, head turned slighty downwards, trying to hide his blush. 

"What the hell just happened?" Geoff said quietly from his spot in the far corner.

Gavin stuttered out a response, eyes slightly wide and paniced. “N-nothing! Sorry about that, um, I just got startled is all… S-sorry, guys!”

The other four Achievement Hunters aside from Michael and Gavin, exchanged glances briefly before shrugging and turning back to whatever they were doing before. Michael stayed still, observing Gavin with furrowed eyebrows and pursed lips that were pushing forward the tiniest bit.

Gavin, immediately distracted, turned and left the room quietly, leaving Michael to stare at the door suspiciously.

 _No no no no no. This isn’t happening, no, not now, it can’t! I was p-propably just imagining it, right? It couldn’t be what I think it is, it went away **years** ago!_  
Gavin’s thoughts raced with panic as he made his was to the kitchen for a bottle of water. 

  
_"You idiot. You honestly though you could get rid of it? Hah! Wow, you really are crazy. Stop kidding yourself; you can’t get rid of it. You never will."_  
Gavin jerked upwards, banging his head on the top of the open fridge he was searching through. Swearing, he clutched his head in his hands.

  
_Oh no. No no no nonononononoNO! Bloody hell, I am NOT doing this again!!! I am NOT hearing voices again, damn it! No, I got rid of them like seven bloody years ago, I’m not doing this shit again!!!_  
Gavin whimpered, angry and scared tears threatening at the back of his eyes. 

  
_"Oh, but you **are**. You can’t escape it, Gavin. Stop being such a coward. Just except it — You’re a schizophrenic freak, and nobody wants crazy people like you around."_ The voice practically sneered. 

  
He had to get out of there.

  
Pushing through the front door of the Roosterteeth building, he began to really feel the panic that was washing over him.  
Gavin clenched his fists tightly, speeding up as he walked all the way to his apartment. He was surrounded by sounds of claws scratching at doors; viscious whispers overlapping each other; a heart beating rapidly; and a few unidentifiable, but still terrifying and obnoxious, noises.

Running up the stairs to apartment 9B on the second floor, he tried his best to hold back the tears that were forming in his eyes. Gavin unlocked the door after a few unsuccessful attempts due to his trembling hands, and swung the door open then closed as he entered.   
His heart was racing, his lungs were burning for air, his throat felt tight, and his eyes stung with tears. He slowly sunk to the floor, clutching his throbbing head in his hands and the noises grew louder.

And he broke down.

———————-

How Gavin ended up in his bed, he didn’t remember. He woke up with a major headache, a sore throat, and an aching body.  
After checking the time, Gavin determined that for about seven hours now, he has been crying, screaming, and — judging by the scratches all over his skin, and the disaster that has become of his once-cleanish room — probably rampaging through his apartment and breaking things.

The floor of his bedroom was littered with items. Two of his pillows were thrown on the floor, a bunch of crumpled papers over by his desk, and the sheets on his bed were just.. Yeah.

Rolling out of bed with shaky knees, Gavin stood and made his way to the bathroom that was just outside his bedroom.   
The light was on already, the mirror had slightly-bloody handprints on it, and there was vomit in the toilet.  
Sighing, Gavin began to clean up.

He flushed the toilet, picked up anything he had knocked over during his break down, and grabbed a washcloth to wipe off the mirror. 

As he cleaned up the handprints on the mirror, Gavin noticed several bruises and cuts littering his skin. 

_That’s probably where the blood came from._

  
His hair was even messier than usual, bunched up in certain places where he had grabbed at it in attempts to calm down or get rid of the voices or something.  
His eyes looked almost lifeless, the emerald color fading to a dull shade.  
Turning away from the mirror, the Brit threw the washcloth in the bathtub and exited the bathroom.

Gavin prepared himself to see the rest of his apartment, knowing that it would probably be even worse than the other two rooms he just observed.   
Lucky enough, he apparently didn’t storm through the kitchen when he got home. The livingroom however, was a completely different story.

The lamp next to the door was knocked over, the opaque glass cone around the lightbulb now cracked and chipped.  
The bookshelves on the wall near his TV had a few books missing, finding a spot on the floor near the opposite wall where he most likely threw them in a fit of rage.  
There was a dent or two in the cream colored walls surrounding him, along with some scratches and a few spots of blood here and there.

  
_Good thing I don’t have many neighbores. They probably would’ve called the cops by now._  
He thought to himself.

  
Since the building his apartment was in was pretty new, not many of the other apartments were being occupied yet. As far as he knew, the only people that are in this building that were relatively close are: two college girls that were in apartment 11B, on the same floor as Gavin; an old lady that can’t hear worth a shit in 2B on the first floor; a family of three living on the first floor in 5B; and an alcoholic that spent of his time at the bar or somewhere else, in the apartment right above Gavin’s, 15B.

So he’s pretty sure no one heard him.  
Hopefully.

  
Giving up on fixing the mess at the moment, Gavin dragged himself to the kitchen.  
He really needed a fucking beer.  
He also needed to figure out what the fuck he should do about his ‘problem’ showing up again. 

Begrudgingly, he plopped down on the couch with his beer bottle in hand and brought the blanket on the couch to wrap around him like a barrier.  
He took a few sips of his drink and stared at the wall.  
He stared for about twenty minutes before he noticed he was out of beer.  
And so far, he could think of nothing. It was like he was in shock. No, it wasn’t shock — It’s _depression._  
That all-too-familiar feeling of numbness, hopelessness, and worthlessness — It all was bundled up under the name of another problem that his doctor had diagnosed him with all those years ago: Major Depressive Disorder.

During his childhood, Gavin was diagnosed with Chronic Depression. He struggled with it for years, up until about seven years ago, when he thought he had gotten rid of his schizophrenia. Key word: **thought**.

After being put on several different medications, frequent therapy sessions, and a lot of self-control, Gavin had managed to surpress his illness into the back of his mind, freeing him from it for years. 

He had gotten used to the mental and emotional breakdowns, along with panic attacks and such.

What he had not gotten used to though, was the dissapointment and fear that followed a relapse.

  
“Gawd damn it. I am _so_ fucked.”


	2. Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin wakes up the day after his relapse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just incase you're confused, here is a guide for the dialoge:
> 
> "This, with just quotation marks, is normal dialoge where a character is speaking aloud."
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _This, sentences completely in italics, is someone's thoughts. Usually it's only Gavin's thoughts that are shared._
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _"This, sentences with italics AND quotation marks, are the things that the 'Voices' in Gavin's head are saying. If it's in bold, it's just for emphasis."_

_"You think we want you working here anymore? Idiot. Why the fuck would we want a freak like you dragging us down? Go home, Gavin! Nobody wants you here anymore."_

_"Do us a favor and just kill yourself."_

_"You're fucking insane."_

_**"At least we can tell when something is real or not."** _

 

Gavin shot up off the couch, heart racing. He could feel the sweat and tears on his face, making his skin unpleasantly sticky.

 _Just a dream. It was just a dream._  
Gavin tried to calm himself.

 

He suddenly realized the banging on his door, probably what woke him up from his nightmare.

 

"Gav! Gavvers! Gavvvvyyy! Gavin, you stupid fuck! Open the fucking door! It's fucking cold outside! I'm freezing my dick off out here, boi!" He heard a familiar voice yell from outside.

 

Gavin ran a hand through his hair and looked around the room frantically. His house was a mess, and so was he. How the hell is he going to explain that?

 

 _I can't let them find out. They'll hate me..._  
Gavin thought to himself as he sighed and layed back down.

 

After five minutes, the knocking on the door still hadn't stopped, in facf it got louder. He also recognized the person that was outside was Michael, so he knew there was no way he was going to stop anytime soon unless he just busts down the door.

 

Gavin let out a frustrated grunt, throwing the blanket off of him and standing up. He walked to the front door and took a deep breathe, preparing himself to face his probably-angry best friend.

 

"Gavin, you dumbass! Where th--" Michael's eyes went wide as Gavin opened the door, revealing himself.  
"What.. Gav, what the hell happened? Are you okay??" He asked, quieter than before but still filled with worry and compassion.

 

Gavin looked down at his feet, avoiding eye-contact. He really didn't want to explain what he was going through, or why it looked like someone had broken into his apartment and had a drunk fight with him.

But Michael was pushing himself forward, moving Gavin out of the doorway so they were both standing inside the room. He shut the door as he took in Gavin's disastrous apartment.  
Slowely turning to Gavin, who was now shaking with anxiety and staring at the floor intensely, he gave Gavin the most unexpected reaction.

He wrapped his arms around the Brit, one hand coming up to the back of Gavin's sandy-blonde hair and embracing him carefully.

"Gavvy... What happened to you? What's wrong, boi? You can tell me, it's okay," He said quietly when Gavin began to tremble and let out a few choked sobs into the Jersey Man's shoulder.

Gavin shook his head, trying to regain his composure. He pulled back, wiping his face and taking a deep breath, still refusing to meet Michael's worried eyes.

The Brit forced a small smile, gaze falling just above Michael's eyes. "S-sorry about that, mate. I'm fine, really. No need to worry! I just had a bit of a um... Rough day, is all."

 

Michael stared at him for a moment with a disbelieving look that made Gavin want to run away from this conversation.

"Gavin. You-- Why would you just-- What the hell could have fucked up your day so badly that it made you leave work out of fucking nowhere, and come home and do... _this_?!" Michael gestured frantically to the battered room around him.

 

Gavin's head and shoulders dropped as he failed to come up with an answer.  
He couldn't tell Michael the truth. No, he couldn't risk scaring away his best friend.  
So he stood in silence, guilt, shame, and self-hatred building up in him with every passing second. 

 

 _"Gawd, you are so pathetic. No wonder why everyone always yells at you and makes fun of you! You're such a fucking idiot!"_  
Gavin couldn't even tell if it was the voices or his own thoughts telling him this.

 

The blonde bit his lip, trying to hold himself together as he spoke. "Please leave, Micool. I'm sorry. Please don't worry about me-- D-don't tell anyone, either! P-please..." He choked out, voice cracking several times.

 

He could see Michael's fist clenching in his peripheral vision, causing the Brit to bite down on his lip even harder.  
Michael sighed, relaxing himself before gently grabbing Gavin's stubbled chin between his thumb and forefinger, forcing the other to look at him.

Gavin's eyes widened slightly, causing a doe-eye effect due to his brimming tears. 

"Okay. But, if it happends again... Whatever it was... Tell me, okay? I don't care if you think you're being a bother to me-- I _know_ you, Gav. And you know _me_. I'm not going to sit back and watch you suffer by yourself. I want to help you. You know you can trust me, right? Because I lo-- er, care about you. You're my boi, and I will always be here for you if you need someone," The redhead said gently, gazing softly into the other man's sad, emerald colored eyes.

 

Gavin smiled weakly, heart warming and stomach doing flips as he nodded at Michael.  
"Okay," he whispered.

The Jersey man smiled back softly. He wanted to say more, but he knew it wasn't the right time for that. So he simply squeezed Gavin's shoulder gently and looked away before stuttering,  
"I guess, um... I'll leave.. I-if you want me to, I mean."

 

Gavin bit his lip, cheeks flushing a light pink for a moment.  
"Um... Y-yeah, I don't want to bother you or anything so uh, you can leave if you want. I gotta clean up and stuff anyways, so..."

 

Michael, who's face was also turning a pink shade, nodded swiftly and headed for the door. As he reached for the door handle, his hand was grasped by the Brit's unexpectedly. He looked up at the younger man, who's head was cast downwards again.

 

"Promise me you won't tell anyone, please, Micool?..." Gavin said softly.

 

"I won't. I promise. Will you promise me something too, though?"

 

At this, Gavin pick his head up to gaze curiously at the redhead.  
"S-sure? What is it?"

 

"Promise me that you will come to me for help. Promise you will tell me if something bad happens or you need someone to talk to or something like that. You can come to me for anything, Gav. I want to be there for you. So please, promise you will let me help you. Okay?" The Jersey man said in the most sincere voice that Gavin had ever heard. 

 

Gavin's stomach started doing flips again, and his heart felt like it was going to burst if it warmed up any more. He couldn't help the small smile that snuck it's way onto his lips.

"Okay. I promise. Thank you, Micool," he whispered.

 

And with another smile and a short hug, Michael left.


	3. Wake Up, Daddys Here.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin hates the hyperrealistic feeling of his nightmares.  
> Geoff just wants to help his 'son'.  
> Gavin comes up with a plan, and he can't wait.

After Michael left, Gavin came to terms with a few things.

  
The first thing was:

  
He liked Michael.  
He knew that he had always felt something for his bestfriend, but would never admit to his crush on him, not until now.  
The way that Michael cared about him, the way he only showed his soft side to Gavin (and a few select others), the way he laughed, smiled, yelled, _everything_. He liked everything about him, really. He made the brit feel so special, so loved. He just gave him this warm feeling in his body whenever he was near.

  
The second thing was:

  
He needed help.  
Gavin needed someone to fix, or help fix, his damn problems. Or someone to help him cope, at least. Anything, really. He just needed _help_ in some way.  
He didn’t want to ask anyone for help, for fear of being rejected and called a freak and what not because of his mental illness. But the moral support, someone to tell him what was real or not, someone to keep him _sane_ — it’s what helped him all those years ago when he was just a teen suffering from a mental disorder.

  
And finally, the third thing that Gavin figured out:

  
He _really_ didn’t want to clean his apartment.  
The Brit was exhausted. Plus, there’s a higher chance than none of him having another breakdown and fucking up his house again, so why clean it up when it’s just going to get ruined again?

  
_Ah, screw it._

  
———————————

_”Geoff? Griffon? Where are you!?”  
Gavin’s voice echoed off the walls. _

  
_The Ramsey house was dark, bare of any light except for the reflection of the moon that was seeping through the windows. The air was chilly and made Gavin shiver as he slowly crept down the hallway._

_“G-guys, seriously. This isn’t funny, you plebs! I know y-your home…”_  
Gavin bit his lip as he approached his psuedo-parents’ bedroom door. He pushed the door open hesitantly, the door creeking eerily as he did so.

  
_The brit’s eyes widened and he gasped as he looked inside, gaze flying over the contents in the room. The floor was covered in a liquid that he assumed was blood, along with some splatters on the white walls and bedsheets.  
Gavin’s heart pounded in his chest, almost blocking out the sounds he heard coming from the bathroom. Almost._

  
_Turning towards the bathroom door on the wall to the left, he heard low giggling. The voice sounded off, like a sinister laugh. Gavin stepped in the room and made his way to the other door, peeking around the corner._

_"Hello, sweetheart. Come in," Griffon said softly from the back of the large bathroom._

  
_Gavin felt as if he was about to vomit, noticing all the blood at Griffon’s feet._

  
_“Come on, it’s alright. I’m just giving Geoffery a few new tattoos, is all. Do you want one too? I’d love to give you some, Gavin.”_

  
_The brit stepped a bit closer, gazing at what was infront of his psuedo-mom._

_The woman was leaning over the bathtub, holding onto her husband’s blood and tattoo covered arm. The tub was filled about halfway with dark, almost black, colored liquid. Geoff sat in the middle of it, gazing up at his wife with a admiring look in his eyes, but a disturbing smile upon his lips. He was covered in blood, some even dripping from the tips of his mustache._

  
_Gavin gagged harshly as he noticed what exactly Griffon was doing. She dug a blade deep into Geoff’s arm, leaving gashes and causing more blood to spew violently. Her hand moved the knife in swift patterns, which would have been beautiful art if only it weren’t so gruesome.  
Gavin stumbled backwards, trying to flee from the disturbing scene before him, but bumped into something._

  
_Turning around in a panic, he came face-to-face with the terrifying, blood-covered Geoffery. He grabbed Gavin’s shoulders harshly, preventing him from moving. The brit felt something sharp against his throat, and a body pressed against his back._

  
_“Where are you going, honey? Don’t you want a tattoo? Hmm, how about a piercing? Ohh! You would look so cute with a septum ring, like me! Don’t you agree, babe?” Griffon sneered right next to the brit’s ear._

  
_Geoff gave a deep chuckle in response, grin spreading across his face to reveal sharp teeth. Gavin let out a whimper, absolutely terried and trapped between the two people._

_"P-please, Griffon, no.. Geoff, don’t do this! I-I’m sorry, f-for whatever the hell I did! I just— please! Don’t hurt me, guys! I —"  
_ _Gavin’s cries were cut off by a sharp pain in his right arm._

_"AHH!" He screamed, dropping to the floor in confusion._

  
_"Gav? Gavin? Are you okay?!” Geoff yelled. He sounded different, this time. What the fuck was going on!?!_

_**"GAVIN! COME ON BUD, PLEASE!"** _

 

 

*********

  
Gavin shot up, breathing heavily. He hit his head on something, or well, someone.

  
“Gavin!! Ow, dude, what the hell! You scared the dicks outta me! What the fuck happened to you!?” A distressed Geoff yelled as he rubbed his forehead.

  
Gavin scrambled away from the man, falling off the couch as he did so and landed on the floor with a thud. His breathing was rapid, heartbeat refusing to slow to a normal pace as he looked around the room frantically. His gaze finally settled on Geoff, where he looked over the man’s features in search of the cuts and blood he had seen before. 

  
“G-geoff.. What— what are you doing? Why are yo— I don’t— Augh, bloody hell! What the hell happened, Geoff?!” Gavin groaned in frustration. He rubbed at his sore arm and forehead, grimacing at the ache he felt.

"I don’t fucking know! You left work early without telling anyone, so I came to check on you! You wouldn’t answer the door so I used the key you gave me. I came in and the fucking house was a mess! And you were on the couch, crying and shit! I was shaking you and screaming for you to wake up for like ten minutes, dude! Then you started screaming so I paniced and just pinched you. Atleast that woke you up.." Geoff said, sitting next to Gavin on the floor.

  
“It’s okay, buddy. Just calm down, okay? Tell me what happened, Gav, it’s gonna be okay.”  
Geoff pulled the shivering brit into a comforting hug, stroking down the messy hairs on his head.

  
Gavin flinched, still terrified and confused. He tensed up against Geoff, but soon relaxed when he realized that this was real. He knew that he had just had a nightmare, a terrifyingly hyperrealistic one. 

It was one of the things he hated most about his schizophrenia, the nightmares. They were always incredibly scary, and they seemed so real. It was traumatizing.

  
Gavin clung to the Gent’s shirt once he relaxed some, burrying his face against his chest. He shook violently, heart still going a mile a minute. Geoff held him as he cried, rocking them back and forth gently to try and calm the younger man in his arms.   
His fatherly instincts were kicking into overdrive, and he was very much concerned for the Lad.

"Gav… Hey.. Gavin, tell me what exactly happened. Please, bud, you’re freaking me out," Geoff said, gaining Gavin’s attention.

  
“I— I just um.. I had a nightmare, that’s all. It uh.. It’s no biggy, sorry for scaring you, Geoff… I’m alright. I-I’ll be fine, okay?” Gavin stuttered, pulling away from Geoff and giving him a small smile as he wiped the tears from his face.

  
Geoff looked at him in disbelief. He sighed heavily when Gavin stood, getting himself up off the floor also.   
“Gavin. Tell me what happened. I’m not fucking around, okay? I’m serious. Something bad obviously happened, and I wanna know what the hell it is,” Geoff said, running a hand through his hair then crossing his arms over his chest.

Gavin bit his lip, debating on what he should say.  
“I um.. I left work early because I got sick. I threw up and uh… I forgot to tell you that I was leaving. Sorry, mate,” Gavin lied.

  
Geoff narrowed his eyes at the brit, obviously not believing Gavin’s excuse. He decided to just ignore it and move on to the next question instead.  
“And what about your apartment? What happened here?”  
Gavin gulped, beginning to panic again.

"Um— uh— I um….. It-it’s been like this. For a few days. Uh, I came home drunk the other day and um.. I was really minged off, so I just kinda… Threw a tantrum, I guess..?" Gavin muttered, thanking the stars that he had practiced coming up with excuses and lies when he was younger.

  
Geoff blinked in surprise.  
“Why? What the fuck pissed you off _this_ bad?? Geezus, Gav, I didn’t know you got so violent when your mad. Fuck, man. Wait, why did you just leave this place a mess then?”

"Uhh.. Because, well um, I was busy and everything. You know, work and stuff…" Gavin mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck. 

  
Geoff just stood there infront of him, giving him a look full of concern, doubt, and a bit of sadness that Gavin didn’t trust him enough to tell him the truth.  
The Gent sighed again, looking down at the floor. 

  
“Gavin… Why don’t you trust me? You know you’re like a fucking son to me. Just because you moved out and got your own place instead, doesn’t mean you need to start putting barriers up. I care about you now just as much as I did when you were still living in my damn shed. You can still trust me, Gav, I’m not gonna judge you, you know that! Just tell me wh—”  
Geoff’s plea was cut short by Gavin gasping suddenly.

  
Gavin’s eyes widened, realization dawning on him.   
He was only half paying attention to what Geoff was saying, knowing that it was probably something similar to what everybody always says when they try to get you to tell them the truth.

  
“Bollocks! Geezus, I’m so dumb, why didn’t I think of that sooner!?” Gavin muttered to himself under his breath.

"Geoff, I have to— I need you to leave, please. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you. I’m alright now though, I promise. It’s all fine. But um, can you please go? I have something I need to do.." Gavin said, trying his best to give the older man a reassuring smile.

  
Geoff was taken aback, furrowing his brows a little. He was confused as to how and why the brit’s mood changed so quickly. But he knew he had pressed enough for answers today, so he just shook his head and patted Gavin’s shoulder.

"Alright, fine. But if you need me, for _anything_ , you better call me or something, got it? I love you, buddy.”

"I love you too, Geoffery. And thanks, I will," Gavin said, smiling for real as he led the other man out of his apartment.

  
Geoff gave him one last worried look before exiting out the door, smiling sadly because he knew Gavin wouldn’t tell Geoff if he needed help. He very rarely ever did.   
He nodded his head as a goodbye before Gavin shut the door.

  
Gavin ran to his bedroom as soon as the door was closed. He stumbled over the askew objects that littered his floor, slamming into his bedroom door. He let out an ‘oof!’ as he collided with the wood, then fumbling with the handle as he opened it. He entered the room and all but dove for his desk, where his laptop sat, along with his phone.

  
He grabbed the two objects and climbed up onto his bed with them, opening his laptop hastily and unlocking his phone. He scrolled through the calender on his phone that he only used for important dates, like the ones that held rare events or something he needed to remember was going to happen in the near future. 

  
He opened up Google Chrome on his laptop once it turned on completely, leaving the browser page open as he went to the current date on his phone.

Under the date, it read:

  
_**B get’s to come home!!** _

  
Gavin smiled wildly, bouncing a little in excitement and relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment your feedback please, I love hearing what you think about my writing, and it helps me motivate myself to keep up on updating this piece of shit.


	4. Just a Phone Call Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin works up the nerve (sorta) to call Michael. He hasn't quite worked up the nerve to tell him his secret yet, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is basically all just phone convos. Like 1,500 wc of dialogue pretty much lol
> 
> The quotes in bold are the person on the other end of the phone call that Gavin is talking to (Dan first, then Michael.)

**"Hello?"**

"DAN!!! Bloody hell, I missed you, B!"

**"Gavin! Oh my goodness, B, you have no idea how much I missed you too! How are you??"**

"Ah, um, well.. I've been... Y'know.. How have YOU been?! I haven't gotten to talk to you in a while!" Gavin didn't want to tell his childhood friend about his relapse just yet. He hadn't been able to talk to the man as much since he was deported to Afgahnistan. They occasionally got to Skype each other whenever Dan had time and wifi, but that very rarely happened. 

So he decided to save the bad news for later. Right now, he just wanted to catch up with his best friend.

• • •

 **"So, B, you're not busy next week, right?"**  
"Not that I know of. Why?"

**"Good. I'm going to come visit you. Okay?"**

"Really?! For how long?"  
**"I'unno, a week or so? I have a few months till I get deployed again, so I wanna spend a lot of time with you..."**

"Alright, great! I can't wait to see you, Dan. I really-- AHH!" Gavin screeched as he saw a dark shadow slither across his ceiling.

 **"Gav? Are you okay? What's going on?"**  
Gavin bit his lip and whimpered. The sound of scratching slowly began to fill Gavin's brain, freaking him out even more.

_Oh great, what a gawd damn wonderful time for this to happen._

Dan called his name again, trying to get the other brit's attention.

"S-sorry, B... Uh, Dan, I-I have to tell you something..." Gavin began, trying to focus his attention on Dan instead of the swirling figures above him.  
**"Yeah? What is it? You alright?"**

"N-no... I'm not alright, actually.. I-it's... It's happening a-again, B...." the younger brit was on the verge of tears, his voice cracking as his throat threatened to close.

The other end of the phone was silent for an agonizing minute, causing the scratching noises in Gavin's head to increase in volume.

"You mean... Wait... Gavin, are you.. I... Bloody hell, Gav, please tell me you aren't talking about what I think you are.."

Gavin sniffled, trying his best not to let the tears fall.

"Mhmm... I-I-it's happening again.. I r-relapsed, Dan.."

**"Oh my gawd, B, I'm so sorry.. How the hell did this happen? It's been years!... Tell me what exactly happened, yeah?"**

"I don't know why, it j-just started happening again today! I-I was at work and I heard stuff, and then I saw something and M-Michael's face did the thing where it changes to something scary as hell and I-I freaked out and left! I didn't tell anyone, I came home and I-I don't know what happened, really. I woke up and m-my apartment was a damn mess, and I was freaking out.. I was having nightmares, but Michael had woken me up, thankfully. He was banging on the door because he wanted to know why I left without telling anyone, I guess."

Gavin curled up on his side, holding the phone against his ear and the same arm to shield his head. 

"Geoff came by too, woke me up from a bloody _terrible_ nightmare... I freaked him out, he said, so I told him that I was okay and everything.. I feel bad because he was really sad that I didn't tell him the truth...." Gavin explained, hurriedly. He pulled the nearest soft object (a sweatshirt, which wasn't even his) to his chest and held tight.

**"Why didn't you tell him? He's practically your dad! He would have helped you."**

"N-no way! I can't tell anyone here, Dan! T-they'll hate me... I can't risk it. I can't let them find out.. I can't let my stupid mental issues take away my dream job. I just can't..."

 

Dan sighed, and Gavin could almost see him shaking his head. 

**"No one is gonna think bad about you, B... Everyone there loves you. You even said it yourself, they're like your second family! You made a home there in Austin, and a family. A company-sized family. And you _know_ that they care about you just as much as your real family. They aren't going to hate you just because you're having problems again. I promise you, Gavin, _they will stay by your side, no matter what._ "**

 

Gavin burried his face against his knees, breathing deeply. 

"I just... What if they don't...? I can't take the chance, Dan.... You don't understand how bloody _crushed_ I'd be if they started hating me because of it.. What if... Dan, what the hell am I gonna do?! I don't know how to stop it! I need to find a doctor or something... Wait, damn it, how am I gonna get to the doctor? Oh, gawd... I'm so screwed..."   
Gavin cried softly. The whole situation was freaking him out. He knew that he had to tell at least one person about it, because he needed _someone_ to help him get through this. But who?

 

**"B, you have to tell someone, it's okay. Just one person, if you don't feel like telling anyone else. But you need to trust at least one person there. You know what happened when you were little, Gav. You can't go through this alone. It won't help, keeping everything bundled up inside you.."**

"I don't know... I don't want to tell Geoff, he'll worry too much... Plus, he's been taking care of me basically since I moved to America, and I just moved out so I could stop being such a burden on him and Griffon.... M-maybe Michael..? I don't know..."

 **"I guess so. I mean, he's pretty nice to you, isn't he? Really bloody nice..."** Dan said, a hint of vemon in his voice.

"I-I guess? I mean, he is my best friend, B.. And I do trust him a lot..." Gavin said, a bit confused by the way the other brit sounded.

**"Yeah... Well, I have to go now. I'll next you later about when I'm flying down there, yeah? G'night, B. Good luck."**

"Thanks.. Good night, love you, B. Bye."

**"Bye."**

Gavin hung up the phone and sighed. Tugging at his hair a bit harshly, he groaned.

_Geezus... How the hell am I going to do this?_

 

• • • • • •

 

Gavin woke up the next morning, head pounding and throat sore. He was currently smothered by pillows, a hoodie, and bedsheets. He felt the need to cover himself at night, for it made him feel safer from his demons.   
And it seemed to work well last night, because he didn't have any dreams or nightmares. 

The Lad sat up groggily, rubbing his face to wake up completely. He noticed that he had his laptop still open, sitting right next to him. He must have fallen asleep while he was doing some searching online for mental doctors, therapists and such.

Gavin stumbled out of bed, shivering at the feel of the chilly weather that January has brought. He looked around quickly in search of something warm, deciding to just throw on the hoodie he was cuddling last night.

The brit made his way to his little kitchen, putting on a pot of tea and grabbing some Asprin.  
After forcing down the pill, only gagging about three time, he grabbed some toast, his tea, and his phone, and sat down at the kitchen table he had on the far side of his kitchen

_Alright... How am I going to do this?_

Gavin thought as he scrolled through his contacts.

Once he reached the number he was looking for, Gavin froze. As his thumb hovered over the name, the feeling of butterflies broke free in his stomach, and his leg started shaking up and down in a nervous habit.

 

Closing his eyes tightly, the brit hurriedly pressed down on the constact number, knowing that if he didn't do it right then and there, he would end up chickening out.

Gavin's eyes peeked open as he heard the distant sound of his phone dialing. Taking a deep breath, he put the phone up to his ear.

 

 **"Hey, Boi! Everything okay?"** Michael answered after about three rings.

 

"Y-yeah! Of course, everything's top! I um, I was just calling to ask if you wanted to come over for bevs or something today, yeah?" Gavin's heart pounded with nervousness.

 

**"Fuck yeah, I'm always up for bevs with my boi! You want me to bring the bevs, or are you already stocked up?"**

 

"Er.. Yeah, you should probably get some. I don't think I have enough here for us, I haven't gone out for any in a while."

 

**"Psh, of course. I'll get a few packs of beer on my way over then."**

 

"Thanks, Micoo! You can come on over whenever, I guess. W-well.. I mean, that is, if you don't mind the mess... I-if you want, I can clean up a bit, but I'm not sure how long it will take.." Gavin started to stutter again as his confidence faded some.

 

**"You still haven't cleaned that shit up? Damn, Gav." Michael laughed gently. "Nah, it's fine. No need. I don't even mind. I'll be over in a bit, 'kay? It'll probably be like, ten or so minutes since I gotta stop by the store first. I'll text you as I'm leaving the store, okay?"**

 

"Alright, mate, sounds good. See'ya in a bit, then!"

 

**"See ya, Gav. Bye."**

"Bye."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment what you think about this fic, it really helps me out when you do. Seeing the subcriber number and number of bookmarks and kudos this has so far just makes me so happy. Basically it helps motivate me to keep going and not give up on this fic. So remember, your feedback is what keeps this fic alive!


	5. UPDATE OMG IM SO SORRY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is an update because Im a piece of shit and its been almost a year since my last update and wow Im so sorry 
> 
> This is really short I just wanted to get something out but Im working on writing more to this chapter rn so dont worry I promise (oh gawd there I go again with the promises eheheh) I will finish this chapter and post it as soon as I finish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please dont hate me.
> 
> Ive had such bad writers block with this story its not even funny. Idk what Im doing. I feel so bad because I realized that "omg Im one of THOSE writers that updates a year later holy shit theyre going to hate me oh my gawd kill me now"
> 
> So yeah. Im really really really REALLY sorry for not updating sooner. PLEASE DONT GIVE UP ON ME JUST BE PATIENT PLEASE *sobs* ;~;

As Gavin cleaned up his apartment in a hurry, he thought over how the day would plan out.  
Michael would arrive in about ten or so minutes, they would sit and drink and play video games for a while, then they would casually slip into a conversation where Gavin would test Michael on how trustworthy he is, and if he passed, Gavin would tell him what was going on.

At Least, that's how he hoped it went.

Yeah, Gavin knew there was a slim chance of not having something go wrong today. He never has the best of luck with this sort of thing, it seems.

 

 

Just as Gavin finished cleaning himself up a bit and was about to go find something else to wear, he heard a knock at his door.  
He shrugged to himself, deciding to just wear what he had on since it was quite comfortable anyways, and he didn't really plan on leaving the house today.  
The brit checked himself in the mirror on the way to the door, grimacing at what he saw of his reflection before replacing it with a slightly-nervous grin and opening the door for his best friend.

 

"Hi, Micool!" Gavin squeaked enthusiastically, opening the door further and taking a step back so the auburn-haired man could enter his apartment.

"Hey, Gavvers. I got a 6-pack and a bottle of Vodka while I was out. Figured we could just fuck around and maybe play some drinking games or some shit tonight. That okay?" Michael said, setting the alcohol on the granite countertop in Gavin's kitchen.

"S-sure! Sounds top."

Michael nodded his head in approval, silence filling the room. The two men stood awkwardly in the kitchen, Gavin nervously playing with him fingers.

 

"So uh, how have you been, bud?” Michael asked in an attempt to start a conversation.

Gavin swallowed, shifting from one foot to the other. He shrugged, not wanting to talk about his feelings so soon. “I, uh.. I’m alright I guess. Better now that you’re here..A-and the bevs.” A blush rose to the brits cheeks as he realized what he was saying. 

_Oh gawd, way to act subtle.  
This is going to be a looong day._


	6. Choking On Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin plans on telling Michael the truth, really. But when your mind decides to forget the functions of your mouth, you're kinda fucked, aren't you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DonthatemedonthatemedonthatemePLEASEDONTHATEME.
> 
> It took me so long to write this I'm so sorry. I let my readers down by taking so fucking long to write this.   
> I have to say, I'm probably more sorry about not updating sooner than I've ever been. 
> 
> Please forgive me.
> 
> Also, please leave feedback in the comments. It keeps me motivated and warms my heart. My cold, cold heart.....

As Gavin cleaned up his apartment in a hurry, he thought over how the day would plan out.  
Michael would arrive in about ten or so minutes, they would sit and drink and play video games for a while, then they would casually slip into a conversation where Gavin would test Michael on how trustworthy he is, and if he passed, Gavin would tell him what was going on.

At Least, that's how he hoped it went.

Yeah, Gavin knew there was a slim chance of not having something go wrong today. He never has the best of luck with this sort of thing, it seems.

 

 

Just as Gavin finished cleaning himself up a bit and was about to go find something else to wear, he heard a knock at his door.  
He shrugged to himself, deciding to just wear what he had on since it was quite comfortable anyways, and he didn't really plan on leaving the house today.  
The brit checked himself in the mirror on the way to the door, grimacing at what he saw of his reflection before replacing it with a slightly-nervous grin and opening the door for his best friend.

 

"Hi, Micool!" Gavin squeaked enthusiastically, opening the door further and taking a step back so the auburn-haired man could enter his apartment.

"Hey, Gavvers. I got a 6-pack and a bottle of Vodka while I was out. Figured we could just fuck around and maybe play some drinking games or some shit tonight. That okay?" Michael said, setting the alcohol on the granite countertop in Gavin's kitchen.

"S-sure! Sounds top."

Michael nodded his head in approval, silence filling the room. The two men stood awkwardly in the kitchen, Gavin nervously playing with him fingers.

 

"So uh, how have you been, bud?” Michael asked in an attempt to start a conversation.

Gavin swallowed, shifting from one foot to the other. He shrugged, not wanting to talk about his feelings so soon. “I, uh.. I’m alright I guess. Better now that you’re here..A-and the bevs.” A blush rose to the brits cheeks as he realized what he was saying. 

_Oh gawd, way to act subtle.  
This is going to be a looong day._

 

————————————

 

The two lads were sitting on the floor, leaning against each other as they played video games. Drinks had been downed, producing a giddy atmosphere around the two as they laughed and joked around in a tipsy haze. 

Hours had passed, along with the uncomfortable feeling and nervousness. Gavin let his worries slip away for the time being, wanting nothing more than to enjoy his time with Michael without it being plagued by his troubling thoughts.

It seemed to be working, so far. Gavin wasn't even concerned, not until Michael suggested the next game.

When the redhead brought up the game list on Gavin's xbox and shuffled through it, landing on the game _Slender_ , Gavin's heartbeat quickened. Michael selected it, sending a grin towards the panicking Brit.

"Aw, common, boi! It's not that bad. Stop bein' a pussy. It's fine, Mogar's here to protect you, bud," Michael laughed, nudging Gavin with his elbow as he pressed 'START'.

 

Gavin laughed weakly, picking up his controller and scooting closer to his companion. 

_Don't be a pussy, right. I can do that, yeah? It's not real, it's just a game. Yeah, I can do this....._

 

___________________

 

Twenty-seven minutes three notes in, Gavin sees a shadow crawl out from behind the TV. His eyes move away from the screen and towards the black spot, which suddenly disappears. 

 

"GAVIN! What the fuck are you even _DOING_?! I can't – YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE FUCKING GROUND, DUMBASS! How am I supposed to even _see_?"

 

"S-sorry, Michael! I don't wanna look in front of us, he'll get us!"

 

__________

 

Thirty-five minutes in, Michael decides to order pizza. When he returns from calling the order in, Gavin curls in a ball against his side. Something moves in the corner of Gavin's vision. His breath hitches and his eyes dart quickly in search of the movement. Seeing another shadow somewhere to the right, the blonde's head snaps towards it. 

 

_Dammit! It's nothing, you dope! Stop looking! **Ignore it!**_

 

—————

 

Forty-eight minutes in and two restarts later, Gavin feels like he might just have a heart attack.

The Brit tries to focus on the game, he really does. But the paranoia, anxiety, and fear pumping through him keeps his mind in a frenzy. 

Unbeknownst to him, his whole body is shaking. His eyes are wide, throats tight, and hands clenched on to the controller.

 

It feels like every nerve ending in his body is one fire. He can feel every brush of fabric against his skin. The air tickles at his exposed neck, sending the hairs to stand on end.   
The eery noises from the TV engulf him. The flashing of the screen illuminates the walls slightly, sending him glimpses of shadows to plague his mind.

 

The game screeches and flashes at them, crescendoing into the dark living room.   
Michael's screaming next to him, but the overwhelming sensations practically blur his existence, his presence the least of Gavin's concerns. 

At the jumpscare, Gavin's mind locks and the fear finally takes control.

 

And just like that, he's screaming. His eyes closed tight, arms covering his head and face. The edge of the couch digs into his back as he huddles against it. Screams and whimpers wrack through his body, pulling at his sanity. Hot tears glide down his cheeks, feeling like lava against his skin. 

After what seemed like hours curled up in that position, cool hands landed on Gavin's tingling forearms. The cool pressure soothed at his burning nerve-endings. The worried tone of Michael's voice broke through Gavin's mental shield. His eyes snapped open, scream catching in his throat like a vice. 

 

Teary green eyes met wide brown ones, and everything went quiet. 

 

Michael's hands held tightly to Gavin's arms. Neither man dared to breathe, for fear of scaring the other.

It wasn't until the soft words left Michael's mouth that Gavin felt the vice in his throat seize. 

"Are.. Are you okay?"

"Y-yeah. T-tippity-top..."

 

The redhead's eyes narrowed, not even having to search for the obvious lie.

"Bullshit."

 

Gavin's throat tightened once again, trapping the next lie. 

 

_Why am I lying? This is what I wanted, right? To tell Michael the truth?_

The Brit slowly breathed in, gathering his courage. His adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed his lies. 

 

"I.... I'm scared, Michael. R-really... Really scared," he breathed out.

His heart pounded in his ears, anticipating Michael's reaction. When Michael finally circled his arms around his shaking form, he visibly relaxed.

"I know, Gavvy.." The auburn-haired male whispered sadly.

 

Gavin hesitantly moved his shaking hands to grip the fabric of Michael's shirt as he pressed his face against the man's chest. Michael's body acted like a pillow to the terrified Brit as he clung to it, whimpering and holding back tears.  
Whether the tears were ones of fear or relief, he didn't know. Fear still wracked his body, but some was lifted by the reassuring warmth of Michael's body and soft-spoken words.

"It's okay, boi... Shhh.. It's alright, it's just a game...." Michael said quietly, stroking Gavin's sandy hair.

The two stayed like that for a few moments before Gavin pulled away, wiping at his tear-stained face in embarrassment.

"Sorry.. T-thank you, Michael. I-I think I'm a'right now," the Brit said, eyes downcast.

Michael let out a puff of breath, something akin to disappointment shining in his chocolate-colored eyes.  
"It's alright, Gav. I shouldn't've made you play the game anyways. You should tell me when...something..Is bothering you... Or I mean, when something is.. gonna scare you... Or something," Michael trailed off, unsure of how to word his concerns.

Gavin gave a small laugh, looking up at the blushing redhead. 

The boys fiery-hair was illuminated by the glow of the TV behind him, making it like a halo around his face. The blush highlighted the dusty freckles that dashed across his nose and cheekbones. And that damn cupid's bow that curved his perfectly pink lips. It was beautiful, really.

As Gavin starred, admiring the boys beauty, the fear trickled out of him slowly. 

Michael made him feel.... _Safe._

 

It was a miracle he didn't get slapped, what with the way he was staring at the New Jersey-an. His eyes were soft, a small smile tugging at his lips. He didn't realize he was zoning out until Michael's mouth moved, saying his name.

"Gavin?"

"H-huh? Sorry.."

Michael laughed softly, seeming to be studying Gavin's features just as he had. His eyes lingered on Gavin's lips for a moment before flicking up to his mossy-green eyes. Both boys stopped, eyes locking. 

Before he realized what was happening, Michael's face was leaning closer to his. His soft lips pressed against Gavin's chapped ones, hesitant yet full of hope.

 

Several seconds passed and Gavin still couldn't seem to get his mind to work. Like every thought and every signal to his body had shut off, he sat there, unmoving and eyes wide.

Michael quickly pulled away, stuttering out an apology with a red face.  
"Fuck– I-I'm so sorry, shit, fuck! Uh.. I-I should just—..."   
The redhead stood abruptly, eyes watering slightly out of anger and embarrassment. His anger was directed towards himself, for letting his feelings control him at such a delicate moment. 

Meanwhile, Gavin's mind was going haywire. Panic soared through him, quickly followed by frustration as all of his words caught in his throat. He wanted to say a million things at that moment, like "Kiss me again", and "Please don't go", but once again, his brain had cut off ties with his throat and mouth, leaving him gaping up at Michael like a helpless fish staring at its captor.

 

"Shit, Gav, I'm really really sorry, okay? I-I didn't— I just— Fuck, please don't hate me! I dunno what happend! I wasn't thinking! I-I'm _drunk_ , man! Hah, I'm fuckin' drunk..." Michael tried, panicking as Gavin sat and stared at him with tears in his eyes.

 

_SAY SOMETHING, YOU IDIOT! Why can't I SPEAK?! Oh gawd, please don't let this be it, please..._

Gavin internally whimpered, wanting nothing more than to grab Michael and kiss him and tell him to never ever leave. But his body wasn't responding still, and he didn't have much energy left after his freak out.

Michael turned briskly, grabbing his few discarded items from the kitchen table. He angrily rubbed a few stray tears from his face before he turned to face Gavin, who was still sitting wide-eyed on the living room floor.

"'M gonna.. I'ma just leave, o-okay? I-I'm sorry..." Michael said, trying and failing to keep his voice steady. He glanced at the Brit one last time, hoping to find something, anything to reassure him that he didn't just fuck up. Finding the same exact thing he saw before, he turned, and rushed out the door.

 

The same words ran through both men's heads:

_I **really** fucked up._


	7. Heartbreak Central and Telling Daddy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Gavin's fuck up, and Dan's arrival.

It seemed like forever before Gavin was finally able to move.

As soon as Michael walked out and closed the door, Gavin's tears spilled over. The wet, hot feeling streamed down his face and neck, dampening his hoodie. 

 

Like a dam breaking, voices flooded into his head. Harsh whispers and hurtful words assaulted his mind, telling him just how badly he fucked up, filling the silence before him.  
Shadows curled and crept into his vision, floating around the room.  
The man's face slowly fell, a crestfallen, regretful, and devastated look forming.   
His heart pounded loud in his chest, which was a miracle to him because he thought for sure it had been utterly crushed just a few moments ago.

 

Gavin sat for another ten or so minutes, shaking, staring at the ground. The room was swirling around him, going in and out of focus as he breathed heavily. Thoughts flooded his head, some rational, but most not. Like people in a crowd, each individually trying to be heard. Like hundreds of voices overlapped onto one recording and being fed to his ears continuously.

 

_**You're so stupid  
You worthless piece of shit  
Pathetic  
No one will love you  
He hates you  
Everybody hates you  
He just wanted an excuse to leave  
You scared him away  
You're a freak  
A fucking pathetic freak  
Crazy  
Insane  
Useless  
Disgusting  
Disappointment  
Why are you even alive  
They'd be better off without you  
Stop trying to fool yourself  
You can't even control your own body  
Just kill yourself  
They don't need you  
They hate you  
They wish you were dead  
Michael won't ever talk to you again  
He hates you  
He wishes you'd just kill yourself already  
Just fucking die  
No one needs you here  
You're just a fucking nuisance  
You're a problem   
You're not worth their time or effort  
They all hate you** _

 

The words tumbled into his head, spinning around like laundry in the wash. 

 

_**Worthless.** _

 

And with that, Gavin snapped.

 

___________________________

 

**[Michael's POV]**

 

Tears burned at Michael's eyes as he ran towards his car. He blinked harshly, trying to see properly so he could open the door without scratching at it. Once open, the redhead plopped down in the driver's seat. He sat in silence, face aching from his lips being pursed tightly, the ever-growing pressure behind his eyes, and the sobs he was holding back. 

Finally taking a deep breath, his emotions broke free, leaving him to sit in his car with a tear-soaked shirt, red face, and broken heart.

 

______________________________

 

"Thanks for picking me up, Geoff. Really appreciate it," Dan said, sliding into the passengers seat of Geoff's truck.

"No problem, man! Was looking forward to you coming, hoped you could get Gavin off his ass and figure out what's been up with him lately. He said he was sick, but I can tell that's bullshit," the tattooed man responded.

Dan sighed, swallowing thickly before laughing nervously.

"Heh, yeah... He uh, hasn't been doing too good, actually...." He said quietly, peering out the window as Geoff turned out of the airport parking lot.

 

"Really? You know what's wrong with him? He's really worrying me.."

Dan licked his lips, biting at them for a moment before taking a deep breathe and breathing out a reply.  
"Yeah."

A moment went by before Geoff side-eyed him, raising an eyebrow.  
"Well? What's wrong with him?"

Dan kept his eyes focused on the trees zooming past him.   
"Well... Gavin's been.. Going through a rough time, y'know? He um... He has some issues," He said softly, trying not to reveal too much.

"Yeah I kinda fuckin' figured that much. I love him like a son, but the kids pretty gawd damn weird," Geoff laughed lightly. "So what exactly is wrong with him?"

"Umm.. He just has some...Health issues, I guess. And he too bloody stubborn and scared to tell anyone or get help. You know how he is," Dan sighed.

Geoff furrowed his eyebrows, glancing at the jet-lagged Brit.  
"The fuck you mean, 'Health issues'? Is Gavin dying or some shit?" He said worriedly.

"No, no! Not like that, not that kind of health issues," Dan quickly reassured.

 

"Then what the fuck's wrong with him? Dude, you're freaking me out. Please tell me," Geoff pleaded, fatherly instincts at there peek and making him even more concerned for his British pseudo-son.

Dan breathed in and out heavily once, biting his lip before he turned slightly in his seat to face the tattooed man driving.  
"Geoff. I'm only telling you this because I care about the lad more than anything, and I trust you. I wanted you to be the one he told, actually. 'Cause I know he's like a damn son to you," He ran a hand through his hair and breathed in again before continuing.  
"Gavin's sick. Like, not just a fever and cold kind of sick. But more like the kind of sick where you sit in your house for months wanting nothing more but to die, kind of sick."

Geoff looked at him, eyes wide, shock and worry making itself evident in them.  
"Is he... Is he suicidal..?" Geoff said quietly, afraid of the answer.

"Sort of. I think so. He has a reason for that though... Hell, if I was going through the same thing, I would be too.." Dan said sadly.

Geoff gave him another questioning look, telling him to go on.

"Yeah, well, you see... Gavin has... He's schizophrenic."

Dan held his breath as silence filled the car, waiting for the information to sink into Geoff's mind. What seemed like ages passed before Geoff cursed, swerving the car slightly as he realized he was almost going off the road.

Finally, he let out a long, heavy breath.  
"Gavin's.... H-how long..?" He asked quietly.

"Since he was a teenager. I think it may have started a bit sooner, but it wasn't as bad when he was little. We were both in middle school when his parents took him to the doctor about it and found out," Dan replied equally as quiet.

"So like.. What exactly happens?"

"Well, usually he hears things and sees things. He gets really paranoid and anxious. Starts thinking that everyone hates him, and the voices in his head or whatever tell him things that aren't true. He gets really bad night terrors and scary things trigger him easily if he's not careful," Dan explained.

"Is that what happened when I went to his apartment?! Holy fuck I thought he was dying or some shit, he was freaking the fuck out! He said he just had a nightmare, but I knew there was something more to it.. I've never seen him cry before that. It really scared me... He wouldn't tell me what was wrong. Then he was all like "Oh, bollocks! I'm an idiot, blahblah" and asked me to leave or some shit."

Dan laughed gently at Geoff's impression.   
"Hahah, yeah, he told me about you waking him up from a nightmare. He said he didn't want to tell you because he was scared of being a burden and he didn't want to worry you and what not. Said that it'd be too much pressure on you or something."

"What?! Are you– are you fucking kidding me?! I practically raised his scrawny ass from puberty on! I've been taking care of that asshole since he was 16, and yet he still doesn't trust me?! What the fuck!" Geoff screeched, voice cracking in exasperation.

Dan laughed at his tone, feeling a lot better about telling the man now that he knew just how much he cared for his best friend.  
"I know right?! That's what I said! I told him that if anyone cared about him more than me, it was you! But no, he didn't want to bloody worry you."

 

"Pfft, yeah, like he wasn't already."

 

The Brit shook his head, noticing that they were approaching the apartment complex that Gavin was living in. Sighing heavily, he prepared himself.

Once the car stopped at the front of the building, Geoff turned towards Dan.

"Well... Take care of him, Gruchy. If anything happens to my british idiot, I don't know what I'll do. Tell me if it's okay to stop by and help out, okay? I don't really know what to do, but whatever it is, if it helps, I'll do it. Anything to help Gavin," Geoff said, tone firm but still sad.

Dan smiled sadly, patted Geoff's shoulder reassuringly.   
"Alright. I'll keep you informed, yeah? Gav will probably be pissed that I told you, but you needed to know, so I'll take the piss for it. You just try not to worry too much, and I'll let you know if there's anything you can do to help, alright mate?"

Geoff nodded and smiled back, ruffling Dan's hair before the Brit got out of the car.

He grabbed his bag from the back before leaning into the opened window, giving a small salute to the tatted driver.  
"Cheers, mate. Thanks again for the ride."

Geoff smiled lazily, waving at the army man and watching him descend the stairs before he drove away.


End file.
